Explosions of Reality

GRACE UPON GRACE


Ever come across profound moments in your life? maybe even re-occurring ones that you're not even aware of? But something in that moment hits you and clears up the fog that has gotten you to that point, where confusion meets unsure meets REALLY?!?

I'm there.

Where the revelation of God's hand in my life to get me to where I am is clearly shown. My place and my purpose is meaningful. things fall into place and it all makes sense.

Where looking back... everything is a domino of my choices. Where his path for me was already there. waiting for me. watching me step off it and go the to her direction.
Where all my why's are answered.

And just as all this clarity comes, the haunting influences creep up from behind and wait for me to proclaim my great discovery, only to make the move. Bring the destruction. the self inflicted hatred and disappointment.
When yet again, people's opinions and negative attitudes rub off and eat away at me. Satan makes his way back in.

But the acknowledgment of such events, need to be noted... and then known. bringing awareness, to further prevent any more pain and hurt. To end the lies and deception.

Once the area of weakness is found, it needs to be strengthened, to prevent repeated history.
How many times must a scar be re-opened, before it will be left alone to heal?

How many times can one be convinced of the same thing? good or bad? when is there a numbness?

How much repetition does it take to be instilled?

Discipline... Determination...Faith and God's Grace... are the answer to overcomming
Obedient prayer
Ask. Seek. Knock.
Heal. Grow. Learn. Teach.
<3


What about the harsh realities that demolish your ideal world you've convinced yourself of? where truth be exposed and disappointment takes over. Your heart breaks, yet again.
When you find yourself asking, was any of it real? did any of it matter? Was I the only one?
Could it have been different? Will it change? What will it take? When will the day come?
Can things ever go back to ok?

Where is the balance between pleasing others and working on yourself?

How is it that in ones own circumstances, things are different than when it is someone else?


hmmm so many questions...
<3

L-O-V-E

J'adore
Je'taime
Te amo
Te quiero
Ti amore
143
I<3u
What happened to the classic image of love? Where one glimpse caught the eye, and captured the heart. Where two souls are completed with each other.
The only concern was for the others' happiness...

They say time heals all wounds, but how much time exactly? and does it only heal with the absence of the cause? is it possible to heal with the cause? to mend it together?

Isn't true love is unconditional love? the kind that forgives, and heals?
Can this love be found in man, or only inGod?
Love is...
Hard. Real. Emotional. Joy. Innocent. Rare? admirable. desire.
can it be painful? can it hurt? truly?... is that what it is?
it is difficult... so it cannot be all smiles. But is love associated with such agony? can it be defeated? can it fade?

"Love is many things, but one thing it will never be... is unsure"

Sand

I'm sitting in the hospital room right now watching over Kim.
I have had an eventful year so far and as I look back and anticipate the future I can only think of sand. With every part of life, eventful or dull... it moves like sand. Slipping through one's fingertips slowly and then before you know it, it's gone. When you're in a moment time seems to stand still and last forever but after everything is done, its hard to believe its over....
The amount of stress and emotion that i've put my body through is enough to wear me thin. I currently have a piercing headache yet cant manage to close my heavy eyelids.
Rest and peace of mind is what I aim for. A healthy body and spirit.

Is it completley morbid to enjoy hospitals? There is something about the repeating sounds that calm me and relax me... I think I have a problem.
Now you could not bribe me with anything to get me into a dentist office. But hospitals, I can do.

Yea. it's official, i need help.

As much as I have severe issues with relationships, I still smile at the idea of God's love story he is writing for me. Sometimes I wish he would hurry up. While other times I wouldn't mind him not giving me one
I'm the most indicisive person! I hate it
<3

new hurts old wounds

We all know that hearts are fragile...

But when do we stop the breaking? How do we heal? and When is enough? is there any?
When do wounds mend? How can it work out? When will it be ok again?
Why are we so vulnerable we prevent love from happening? When does the past no longer affect us? How do you trust... completely?
when will love be about the other person? and not about us getting hurt?
So many questions. so much maturity waiting to happen and reveal itself

I'm exhausted trying to answer these questions.

I also find myself waiting. I'm not sure what for. but something different in life. that will change the current one I'm in.
But what is it? Because until my heart changes, nothing around me will do anything new.

What change am I looking for?
I'm at my crossroad and I'm stopped. looking in each direction, trying to discern which way to go. So long as its the narrow path, wont I be ok?

I was thinking...over thinking, theres just too many scenarios, to analyze. . . you're my dream please come true! -Relient K

Nothing fits as right : /
<3

On another note :
Black Friday:
Madness! ... Devotion. (to shopping!)... there is something severely wrong with this...
(yes I'm a black friday freak) I will be up at 3 am...
Maybe this is an example of where my life is off balance! ? hahaha.

Game minute

As you sit in the stands at a game and anticipate the next move hoping your team scores, time seems to slow down and everyone is moving in slow motion. Time does this when life is either going above and beyond great or when tragedy strikes. Although everything seems to be standing still, your life flashes before your eyes and your heart is the only thing racing.

There are days when, from the moment you wake up you are a success. Nothing could trip your step or take your eyes out of focus. While there are other days, where, from the moment you wake up your are doomed to fail. Every step you take is heavier and heavier and you seem to get farther and farther away from any accomplishment.

These are two extremes, but the normal day-to -day non-game minutes seem to just pass the time until the next rush of adrenalin comes along. Living life this way sets up for failure more than success.
So how is it, that we can live meaningful happy lives, without these extremes? where there are no well anticipated (stuck in time) moments, yet blessings and glory prevail. Your heart keeps a steady strong beat and nothing interrupts your pace through life.
Is this an imaginary world?
I hope not.

What is it that over complicates life, and is there such a thing, as a stress-free life?
Even if you change your current situation, wont there be other, new hauntings wherever you go?
I mean I'm not saying life is dreadful and there is this giant rain cloud hanging above head.... I am just trying to put together an ideal world, erasing these things that can change one's joy in an instant...
The best answer I can come up with so far, is surrounding yourself with family. They know you better than anyone else. Regardless of how uncool or "not-understanding" they are, they are the ones that will be there. Ha even when you wish they would just go away.... Which I hope doesnt happen....
where would we be without family? ; ) haha.
<3

MURPH

I've decided to blog before I continue racking my brain .... it is slowly turning to mush.
However, I'm not even sure if I can sort out my thoughts for what I want to say here...
So I will continue and come back. (time 7:08p.m.)
It is now 11:36 and I am STILL not done. I've gotten nowhere! Tonight was the dorm pageant and I helped Jenye do an snl skit ...it was funny! now I'm back and trying to make it through.
<3 style="font-style: italic;">will fall short.
Perhaps this is a bit pessimistic, slit my wrists negative. But lets be honest... Even the Bible says for all will fall short (of course) to the glory of God. But that doesnt change with their interactions with people as well.
Regardless of how many times I've been hurt or let down, I allow them redemption, assuming that things are different, when often times. They're not!
When will I ever learn?
or do I? ... Is this how Christ feels when we continually let him down?
In relation to Christ and not being worthy to man... I sometimes, even recently feel not worthy enough for God's grace. When my life and actions have poorly reflected Christ, I do not feel enough of anything that he would care to hear my apologies (yet again) and then bless me afterwards, in whatever area in life I am weak at the time.
God's grace has been my life support during my stay here at college. His grace fills my voids that I have tried so hard to fill with anything but.
Every time ... Every time!!! he picks me up and puts back together the pieces I allowed to be broken.
I have this fear though, that one day I will reach my limit on grace... the more I knowingly do wrong. Sometimes I dont even have the desire to engage in the things I do/ have done, but I find myself there... wanting out.
I've lost control over my self. my actions and my mind.
I've surrendered to the definition that man has given me of who I am.
Instead of surrendering to my own creator. the one who molded me and loves me....
Proving my stupidity.
Cant we all be honest with ourselves?
My life is an open book, mostly willingly. Why should there be anything to hide?
Hiding is cowardice and only brings shame when found and exposed.
I make bold claims, but it helps mold me and mature me, and humiliate me ...

I talked to my mom this morning and her words are always comforting. I dont ever want to disappoint her, but I am not as strong as she believes me to be. I do appreciate and strive off of her faith in me. Thanks mom! : )

Thats all . I have a test to study for.... quit reading this babble
<3

Tests and Papers...

I like to think of an ideal world where tests and papers do not exist... among other things like stupid people. but that is beside the point...
I've been thinking, can you gain as much knowledge without tests and papers? While at the same time, without going over where you went wrong and being corrected, learning your mistakes and being re-tested to see of any growth... how do these benefit learning?
Maybe I'm just bias because I personally loath tests and papers because they cause me stress and anxiety... Perhaps I over think everything and I'm not as far behind as everyone else. I'm puzzled how I know that I'm not alone in procrastination, yet I'm alone in the sucky grades. I genuinely put time and effort into my work, while others just slop together what they know, and yet it still gets a better grade. which makes me think... I'm not very smart.
It is a constant vicious cycle of thoughts that drive me crazy everyday when my schedual is so crazy hectic!
Hmmm come wednesday my life shall be calmed and I will be able to breath and hopefully relax.
My goal... is to lose anxiety all together. learn to just chill. enjoy life. not worry so much....
My best friend Matty said once.... Life will happen the way it is supposed to, whether you worry or not. so why worry?!
BRILLIANT!
love him : )
<3
So today I shall be tested over what I know instead of what I memorized... My grades shall reflect my honest knowledge...
oh no!