MURPH

I've decided to blog before I continue racking my brain .... it is slowly turning to mush.
However, I'm not even sure if I can sort out my thoughts for what I want to say here...
So I will continue and come back. (time 7:08p.m.)
It is now 11:36 and I am STILL not done. I've gotten nowhere! Tonight was the dorm pageant and I helped Jenye do an snl skit ...it was funny! now I'm back and trying to make it through.
<3 style="font-style: italic;">will fall short.
Perhaps this is a bit pessimistic, slit my wrists negative. But lets be honest... Even the Bible says for all will fall short (of course) to the glory of God. But that doesnt change with their interactions with people as well.
Regardless of how many times I've been hurt or let down, I allow them redemption, assuming that things are different, when often times. They're not!
When will I ever learn?
or do I? ... Is this how Christ feels when we continually let him down?
In relation to Christ and not being worthy to man... I sometimes, even recently feel not worthy enough for God's grace. When my life and actions have poorly reflected Christ, I do not feel enough of anything that he would care to hear my apologies (yet again) and then bless me afterwards, in whatever area in life I am weak at the time.
God's grace has been my life support during my stay here at college. His grace fills my voids that I have tried so hard to fill with anything but.
Every time ... Every time!!! he picks me up and puts back together the pieces I allowed to be broken.
I have this fear though, that one day I will reach my limit on grace... the more I knowingly do wrong. Sometimes I dont even have the desire to engage in the things I do/ have done, but I find myself there... wanting out.
I've lost control over my self. my actions and my mind.
I've surrendered to the definition that man has given me of who I am.
Instead of surrendering to my own creator. the one who molded me and loves me....
Proving my stupidity.
Cant we all be honest with ourselves?
My life is an open book, mostly willingly. Why should there be anything to hide?
Hiding is cowardice and only brings shame when found and exposed.
I make bold claims, but it helps mold me and mature me, and humiliate me ...

I talked to my mom this morning and her words are always comforting. I dont ever want to disappoint her, but I am not as strong as she believes me to be. I do appreciate and strive off of her faith in me. Thanks mom! : )

Thats all . I have a test to study for.... quit reading this babble
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