Life and Death

The idea of death surrounding me has caused me to think of the life around me.
Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. This is not a new concept. But it always seems to need to hit home before it makes it home.
And it has me wondering, will we (I) ever grasp this ? How long until we (I) go back to petty issues? When will we (I) pick my battles wisely??
I understand I come with a lot of baggage, but I was talking to my stepmom tonight, which I've decided I hate that word. But she had said something to me ... so simple, yet so profound.
Ya know, when youre plate is (just so full) you cant handle anymore... well uh.... DUMP YOUR PLATE! just tip it right over... and only put on there what you want. Make your own schedual. ya know?
Prioritize. I know I dont want my life to be consumed by a job or career. I cant imagine a more
(meaningless) life. I'm sorry that I'm not sorry, but my family, and faith comes first, and if I lose a job b/c of it... not much of a loss. maybe this is a poor attitude. I'm not sure

This whole balance thing, is so crucial, yet almost always lacking in lives.

I'm really hoping to "line my ducks in a row" ... In (order)
Maybe then, a full plate wont seem so hard to manage.

Current characteristics I need to work on: Temper, Patience, Kind words.

Goal: to live as stress-free as possible. How did Christ do it? How did his heart and emotions not become so overwhelming? Uh prolly b/c he had faith.
But regardless of faith, the pain for the ones you cannot save... is enough to be unbareable.
Ha while at the same time... it isn't me saving them anyways. All Glory be to God alone.

Lord, guard my heart and my mind, may I never forget your grace and love for me. and may you be my strength, my patience, and kind words. Be my encouraging personality and positive attitude.

p.s. on another topic completely, I spent the day in Aspen, where a shirt can cost $215! This makes me sick to my stomach and I cant help but cry. People really live like this. Money means nothing. and Things mean everything. :( My heart aches.
<3

To-Do-List

I feel like my life is one big to-do-list
my whole life is made up of lists.
I love them actually.
However they can stress me, especially when things aren't getting crossed off as fast as I'd like them to.
and at what pace should things get crossed off? I mean, everything has a time, right? "Season for ALL things"...
I struggle with My time vs. God's time. same with both our wills.
I think so much into everything I drive myself crazy.
I seem to have great advice, but can't seem to follow it
and I find myself becoming so damn lazy.
physically and intellectually. maturely as well...
I keep speaking rudely to the ones i love and acting on no patience, being a horrible example to my sisters.
Its part my influence that will help mold them into how they will handle interactions with others. I dont want to be responsible for them being screwed up or mean.
I hate being so irritable ... I want to be soft spoken and gentle and kind.
I want to be disciplined. and smart.
I want to gain wisdom.
So I must first fear the Lord. Prov 1: 7
It seems that life is off track and chaotic when the Lord is out of the schedual.
and truly, honestly, how much of a "sacrifice" is time out of our day to read his Word? or to pray and to just spend time. ?! can we even call it a sacrifice?

there was a debate a while ago on the radio about having a devotion time on the toilet. (two birds with one stone)
I say, absolutely. if the God you are praising, and living for is as Holy, as Powerful, as Great as defined.... than you should be ashamed to approach him with your drawrs down! .... you should hide your face.
The God who saves, should be given more than that. dont you think?

entirely separate:
I am learning the tight reign on your tongue, everlasting patience, kindness, gentleness, self control...
ALL TOGETHER!
its rough.
its a harsh ugly to face.
I'm missing key Christ-like characteristics...
not only that, but the lack of each one, is so deep rooted in behavioral habits that have taken over most my life. How does one un-do all of that?!
definitely not without God's grace.
Hopefully I can be a quick learner... and turn things around... before its too late...
I dont want to have caused anyone permanent damage.

Time heals all wounds....
How much time?
Do we have time?
Why time?
Why waste time?!

How should we, and could we spend time? ... to use it the best way?
<3

Explosions of Reality

GRACE UPON GRACE


Ever come across profound moments in your life? maybe even re-occurring ones that you're not even aware of? But something in that moment hits you and clears up the fog that has gotten you to that point, where confusion meets unsure meets REALLY?!?

I'm there.

Where the revelation of God's hand in my life to get me to where I am is clearly shown. My place and my purpose is meaningful. things fall into place and it all makes sense.

Where looking back... everything is a domino of my choices. Where his path for me was already there. waiting for me. watching me step off it and go the to her direction.
Where all my why's are answered.

And just as all this clarity comes, the haunting influences creep up from behind and wait for me to proclaim my great discovery, only to make the move. Bring the destruction. the self inflicted hatred and disappointment.
When yet again, people's opinions and negative attitudes rub off and eat away at me. Satan makes his way back in.

But the acknowledgment of such events, need to be noted... and then known. bringing awareness, to further prevent any more pain and hurt. To end the lies and deception.

Once the area of weakness is found, it needs to be strengthened, to prevent repeated history.
How many times must a scar be re-opened, before it will be left alone to heal?

How many times can one be convinced of the same thing? good or bad? when is there a numbness?

How much repetition does it take to be instilled?

Discipline... Determination...Faith and God's Grace... are the answer to overcomming
Obedient prayer
Ask. Seek. Knock.
Heal. Grow. Learn. Teach.
<3


What about the harsh realities that demolish your ideal world you've convinced yourself of? where truth be exposed and disappointment takes over. Your heart breaks, yet again.
When you find yourself asking, was any of it real? did any of it matter? Was I the only one?
Could it have been different? Will it change? What will it take? When will the day come?
Can things ever go back to ok?

Where is the balance between pleasing others and working on yourself?

How is it that in ones own circumstances, things are different than when it is someone else?


hmmm so many questions...
<3

L-O-V-E

J'adore
Je'taime
Te amo
Te quiero
Ti amore
143
I<3u
What happened to the classic image of love? Where one glimpse caught the eye, and captured the heart. Where two souls are completed with each other.
The only concern was for the others' happiness...

They say time heals all wounds, but how much time exactly? and does it only heal with the absence of the cause? is it possible to heal with the cause? to mend it together?

Isn't true love is unconditional love? the kind that forgives, and heals?
Can this love be found in man, or only inGod?
Love is...
Hard. Real. Emotional. Joy. Innocent. Rare? admirable. desire.
can it be painful? can it hurt? truly?... is that what it is?
it is difficult... so it cannot be all smiles. But is love associated with such agony? can it be defeated? can it fade?

"Love is many things, but one thing it will never be... is unsure"

Sand

I'm sitting in the hospital room right now watching over Kim.
I have had an eventful year so far and as I look back and anticipate the future I can only think of sand. With every part of life, eventful or dull... it moves like sand. Slipping through one's fingertips slowly and then before you know it, it's gone. When you're in a moment time seems to stand still and last forever but after everything is done, its hard to believe its over....
The amount of stress and emotion that i've put my body through is enough to wear me thin. I currently have a piercing headache yet cant manage to close my heavy eyelids.
Rest and peace of mind is what I aim for. A healthy body and spirit.

Is it completley morbid to enjoy hospitals? There is something about the repeating sounds that calm me and relax me... I think I have a problem.
Now you could not bribe me with anything to get me into a dentist office. But hospitals, I can do.

Yea. it's official, i need help.

As much as I have severe issues with relationships, I still smile at the idea of God's love story he is writing for me. Sometimes I wish he would hurry up. While other times I wouldn't mind him not giving me one
I'm the most indicisive person! I hate it
<3

new hurts old wounds

We all know that hearts are fragile...

But when do we stop the breaking? How do we heal? and When is enough? is there any?
When do wounds mend? How can it work out? When will it be ok again?
Why are we so vulnerable we prevent love from happening? When does the past no longer affect us? How do you trust... completely?
when will love be about the other person? and not about us getting hurt?
So many questions. so much maturity waiting to happen and reveal itself

I'm exhausted trying to answer these questions.

I also find myself waiting. I'm not sure what for. but something different in life. that will change the current one I'm in.
But what is it? Because until my heart changes, nothing around me will do anything new.

What change am I looking for?
I'm at my crossroad and I'm stopped. looking in each direction, trying to discern which way to go. So long as its the narrow path, wont I be ok?

I was thinking...over thinking, theres just too many scenarios, to analyze. . . you're my dream please come true! -Relient K

Nothing fits as right : /
<3

On another note :
Black Friday:
Madness! ... Devotion. (to shopping!)... there is something severely wrong with this...
(yes I'm a black friday freak) I will be up at 3 am...
Maybe this is an example of where my life is off balance! ? hahaha.

Game minute

As you sit in the stands at a game and anticipate the next move hoping your team scores, time seems to slow down and everyone is moving in slow motion. Time does this when life is either going above and beyond great or when tragedy strikes. Although everything seems to be standing still, your life flashes before your eyes and your heart is the only thing racing.

There are days when, from the moment you wake up you are a success. Nothing could trip your step or take your eyes out of focus. While there are other days, where, from the moment you wake up your are doomed to fail. Every step you take is heavier and heavier and you seem to get farther and farther away from any accomplishment.

These are two extremes, but the normal day-to -day non-game minutes seem to just pass the time until the next rush of adrenalin comes along. Living life this way sets up for failure more than success.
So how is it, that we can live meaningful happy lives, without these extremes? where there are no well anticipated (stuck in time) moments, yet blessings and glory prevail. Your heart keeps a steady strong beat and nothing interrupts your pace through life.
Is this an imaginary world?
I hope not.

What is it that over complicates life, and is there such a thing, as a stress-free life?
Even if you change your current situation, wont there be other, new hauntings wherever you go?
I mean I'm not saying life is dreadful and there is this giant rain cloud hanging above head.... I am just trying to put together an ideal world, erasing these things that can change one's joy in an instant...
The best answer I can come up with so far, is surrounding yourself with family. They know you better than anyone else. Regardless of how uncool or "not-understanding" they are, they are the ones that will be there. Ha even when you wish they would just go away.... Which I hope doesnt happen....
where would we be without family? ; ) haha.
<3