Sand

I'm sitting in the hospital room right now watching over Kim.
I have had an eventful year so far and as I look back and anticipate the future I can only think of sand. With every part of life, eventful or dull... it moves like sand. Slipping through one's fingertips slowly and then before you know it, it's gone. When you're in a moment time seems to stand still and last forever but after everything is done, its hard to believe its over....
The amount of stress and emotion that i've put my body through is enough to wear me thin. I currently have a piercing headache yet cant manage to close my heavy eyelids.
Rest and peace of mind is what I aim for. A healthy body and spirit.

Is it completley morbid to enjoy hospitals? There is something about the repeating sounds that calm me and relax me... I think I have a problem.
Now you could not bribe me with anything to get me into a dentist office. But hospitals, I can do.

Yea. it's official, i need help.

As much as I have severe issues with relationships, I still smile at the idea of God's love story he is writing for me. Sometimes I wish he would hurry up. While other times I wouldn't mind him not giving me one
I'm the most indicisive person! I hate it
<3

new hurts old wounds

We all know that hearts are fragile...

But when do we stop the breaking? How do we heal? and When is enough? is there any?
When do wounds mend? How can it work out? When will it be ok again?
Why are we so vulnerable we prevent love from happening? When does the past no longer affect us? How do you trust... completely?
when will love be about the other person? and not about us getting hurt?
So many questions. so much maturity waiting to happen and reveal itself

I'm exhausted trying to answer these questions.

I also find myself waiting. I'm not sure what for. but something different in life. that will change the current one I'm in.
But what is it? Because until my heart changes, nothing around me will do anything new.

What change am I looking for?
I'm at my crossroad and I'm stopped. looking in each direction, trying to discern which way to go. So long as its the narrow path, wont I be ok?

I was thinking...over thinking, theres just too many scenarios, to analyze. . . you're my dream please come true! -Relient K

Nothing fits as right : /
<3

On another note :
Black Friday:
Madness! ... Devotion. (to shopping!)... there is something severely wrong with this...
(yes I'm a black friday freak) I will be up at 3 am...
Maybe this is an example of where my life is off balance! ? hahaha.

Game minute

As you sit in the stands at a game and anticipate the next move hoping your team scores, time seems to slow down and everyone is moving in slow motion. Time does this when life is either going above and beyond great or when tragedy strikes. Although everything seems to be standing still, your life flashes before your eyes and your heart is the only thing racing.

There are days when, from the moment you wake up you are a success. Nothing could trip your step or take your eyes out of focus. While there are other days, where, from the moment you wake up your are doomed to fail. Every step you take is heavier and heavier and you seem to get farther and farther away from any accomplishment.

These are two extremes, but the normal day-to -day non-game minutes seem to just pass the time until the next rush of adrenalin comes along. Living life this way sets up for failure more than success.
So how is it, that we can live meaningful happy lives, without these extremes? where there are no well anticipated (stuck in time) moments, yet blessings and glory prevail. Your heart keeps a steady strong beat and nothing interrupts your pace through life.
Is this an imaginary world?
I hope not.

What is it that over complicates life, and is there such a thing, as a stress-free life?
Even if you change your current situation, wont there be other, new hauntings wherever you go?
I mean I'm not saying life is dreadful and there is this giant rain cloud hanging above head.... I am just trying to put together an ideal world, erasing these things that can change one's joy in an instant...
The best answer I can come up with so far, is surrounding yourself with family. They know you better than anyone else. Regardless of how uncool or "not-understanding" they are, they are the ones that will be there. Ha even when you wish they would just go away.... Which I hope doesnt happen....
where would we be without family? ; ) haha.
<3

MURPH

I've decided to blog before I continue racking my brain .... it is slowly turning to mush.
However, I'm not even sure if I can sort out my thoughts for what I want to say here...
So I will continue and come back. (time 7:08p.m.)
It is now 11:36 and I am STILL not done. I've gotten nowhere! Tonight was the dorm pageant and I helped Jenye do an snl skit ...it was funny! now I'm back and trying to make it through.
<3 style="font-style: italic;">will fall short.
Perhaps this is a bit pessimistic, slit my wrists negative. But lets be honest... Even the Bible says for all will fall short (of course) to the glory of God. But that doesnt change with their interactions with people as well.
Regardless of how many times I've been hurt or let down, I allow them redemption, assuming that things are different, when often times. They're not!
When will I ever learn?
or do I? ... Is this how Christ feels when we continually let him down?
In relation to Christ and not being worthy to man... I sometimes, even recently feel not worthy enough for God's grace. When my life and actions have poorly reflected Christ, I do not feel enough of anything that he would care to hear my apologies (yet again) and then bless me afterwards, in whatever area in life I am weak at the time.
God's grace has been my life support during my stay here at college. His grace fills my voids that I have tried so hard to fill with anything but.
Every time ... Every time!!! he picks me up and puts back together the pieces I allowed to be broken.
I have this fear though, that one day I will reach my limit on grace... the more I knowingly do wrong. Sometimes I dont even have the desire to engage in the things I do/ have done, but I find myself there... wanting out.
I've lost control over my self. my actions and my mind.
I've surrendered to the definition that man has given me of who I am.
Instead of surrendering to my own creator. the one who molded me and loves me....
Proving my stupidity.
Cant we all be honest with ourselves?
My life is an open book, mostly willingly. Why should there be anything to hide?
Hiding is cowardice and only brings shame when found and exposed.
I make bold claims, but it helps mold me and mature me, and humiliate me ...

I talked to my mom this morning and her words are always comforting. I dont ever want to disappoint her, but I am not as strong as she believes me to be. I do appreciate and strive off of her faith in me. Thanks mom! : )

Thats all . I have a test to study for.... quit reading this babble
<3

Tests and Papers...

I like to think of an ideal world where tests and papers do not exist... among other things like stupid people. but that is beside the point...
I've been thinking, can you gain as much knowledge without tests and papers? While at the same time, without going over where you went wrong and being corrected, learning your mistakes and being re-tested to see of any growth... how do these benefit learning?
Maybe I'm just bias because I personally loath tests and papers because they cause me stress and anxiety... Perhaps I over think everything and I'm not as far behind as everyone else. I'm puzzled how I know that I'm not alone in procrastination, yet I'm alone in the sucky grades. I genuinely put time and effort into my work, while others just slop together what they know, and yet it still gets a better grade. which makes me think... I'm not very smart.
It is a constant vicious cycle of thoughts that drive me crazy everyday when my schedual is so crazy hectic!
Hmmm come wednesday my life shall be calmed and I will be able to breath and hopefully relax.
My goal... is to lose anxiety all together. learn to just chill. enjoy life. not worry so much....
My best friend Matty said once.... Life will happen the way it is supposed to, whether you worry or not. so why worry?!
BRILLIANT!
love him : )
<3
So today I shall be tested over what I know instead of what I memorized... My grades shall reflect my honest knowledge...
oh no!

Digging your grave

I feel like the only person who has personally dug a hole in the ground big enough to fit in... jumped in and drug others down there too. Then all the dirt falls back on top, slowly covering the light. And as the dirt starts to pack us in, it absorbs all oxygen and we start to suffocate. : /
This seems to be my greatest accomplishment. I'm so good it should be my job... Maybe this is my calling. But perhaps I should make sure they're dead before I stick them six feet under.

Its only a matter of time before the people in my life cant take it anymore. They are running out of air just as fast as I am... soon they will find the strength and dig themselves out and free themselves of me.

Loneliness is my greatest fear. In trying to avoid it, I end up causing it...

I'm having a hard time distinguishing God's voice from all the other opinions I have floating around in my head on what I should do with my life. There are all these whispers that manipulate my thinking, which leads me only to believe I have not yet heard his voice. Isn't that ironic? That the one voice you want to hear is the one you can't find. I can't possibly be looking for it... He doesn't hide. I know he is waiting for me
What am I doing? I'm not sure if I'm simply afraid of his response, as if it will be part of some horrible plan! Is that ever the case?! ... His plan for me can only be so much greater than anything I could ever dream up... So what is my deal? I'm holding on so tightly to my heart... and my hands are not the ones that should be in charge of such a delicate thing. I only tend to allow it to be broken. I don't know why its so hard for me to give up.
My heart is my greatest strength, and my greatest weakness....
The other day in church the pastor was talking about giving, but something he said completely related to my suffering... "Either you trust God, or you don't"
This is true with trust period. either you do, or you don't.... How in the world could I NOT trust God? what is wrong with me? I feel like I have to surrender daily.... many times a day.
I keep saying I gave him my life. "my life is not my own".... But I have not given him all of me.
I sometimes wonder. since I made such a bold claim, and often repeat it in times of pain... that maybe the seasons changing in my life are him ... I did give him my life. and maybe in order for his plan to work he has to burn bridges .
When my life seems to be going the way I want, I take over. Leaving him out of it.
So it would make sense to remove the people (distractions) in order for me to be able to find him and truly seek him.
I'm too dependent on people, and not dependent enough of my creator, the one who loves me most.
Last night during the discussion after movies in the chapel, we talked about how our God knows our inner most being. He knows our thoughts and hearts, and he still loves us. He knows all these things, because he cares that much about us! ha. people come and go... but he never leaves
So why do we leave him?

: /

Bucket List

My question is whoever decided what success is? Here I am in my second year of college deciding what exactly it is I am doing ... Does it make me a failure to not have life decided by now? Heck I'm only nineteen! Appearantly brains are not even fully developed untill the age of twenty-five! So why is it that we have these teenagers going off to college and having their careers and life decisions being made straight out of high school?!? Please explain to me how this makes any sense? I'm at Christian college where they stress to us about our relationship with Jesus Christ, and how it is the most important part of our lives. So then, why do I feel like a failure by wanting to slow down, take time off of school and do my own thing for a while? I'm tired of people telling me their opinions when I havn't asked for them. By doing so, they are telling me how I'm incompetant and unable to make a (good) decision on my own. Anyways. We all have goals in life...College is not top on my list right now, sorry I'm not sorry.
But here is what is ...
(in no particular order)

Bucket List

Find true love. I have the word Agape tattooed to my foot. Agape is the unconditional kind of love. This is the love I'm looking for. To me, isn't this what love is? Is love real if it is conditional? I've only ever been able to find this love in God's grace. However, my mother is a great example of what this love is all about. Hopefully one day, I will be with someone who will love me no matter. That is what vows are, right? For better or worse... always until death parts... <3
Travel on temp-work. What I mean by this is... I would love to pick up and move somewhere, work several temp-jobs to pay rent and just enjoy the culture around me. Constantly meeting new people, learning new jobs, having different surroundings. City, country, desert, beach, mountains. Best of all worlds...
Cosmetology Although I would not want to make a career out of doing hair, why not have it? It is something I enjoy and could do... why not?!?
Visit Italy Does anybody not want to see this place? With all the history and archetecture and art work. The food, wine, culture, gelato!... enough said. LETS GO
Learn a language. so I've learned several languages already, but they were all in a classroom. I want to submerge myself in a country where I do not know the language, study the culture and learn through day to day interactions with people!
Take ballroom dance lessons. I've loved dance since I was a little girl. Ballet and hip-hop are fun, but how great is it to be swept off your feet! I want to join a class and be lead around the dance floor...
Learn to surf. Living in the Mid-west I have not had many oportunities to grab a board and jump into the ocean. I'm not sure if I have the coordination, but I'm up for learning! I have landed a 360 knee boarding! .... which is pretty much ... nothing like it, but hey...
Snowboard. When it comes to sledding I have mad skills... so the only thing left to do is master snowboarding! But I should probably learn how to first.
Resort. ok so this one is lame, but I want to just pack a small suitcase and maybe a few friends and just go stay at a resort on a whim, just because.
Carry-on. Now, I have learned how to pack 101, however I've never gone anywhere without checking in a large bag. So I want to fly somewhere for a good period of time, only taking with me a small carry-on. Or perhaps enough to fit in my purse! (If anyone knows me, my purses could substitute a suitcase)...
Sculpt. I've managed to sculped my body, so I want to try pottery! Making my own dishes and coffee mugs! Personalizing things gives them value.
Make my own clothes. so there I am walking down the street and someone stops me..."Hey sweet outfit! where'd you get it?!" .. "Oh, ya know, I made it.." (thats what will happen)
Grandma knitter. I can knit, but not well. And the only thing I can make is a pot-holder or a scarf, which takes no skill at all. Plus, I've never finished anything. One day I will be able to knitt in my sleep and produce some pretty amazing things...
Paint. I love painting, but when I do its just a bunch of colors that mix together and look like a finger painting done by a kindergardener. I want to take a painting class and learn how to create something people can identify.
Quilt/ ok ok so I have goals of making things. get off my back! Anymore people dont take the time and make anything. Everything is store bought and unorigional! Quilts are fantastic and I want one that I made all by myself that can be passed down
Publish a book I'm not sure exactly what I would write about, but Im sure with my crazy ideas I could come up with something people would read. and If you're reading this far down on my list... it shows that it is possible
Adopt. when I'm out traveling, I like to buy souvineers.... well one day I will come back with a kid or two. I may not be able to offer much, but I could give what I have. There should never be a child without a home or a family.

So there is my rediculous list of goals... none are too far out of reach (isn't that the purpose) I want to be able to check them off. Later I will write about my experience with accomplishing each one!
Hmmm. time to eat!
<3