Digging your grave

I feel like the only person who has personally dug a hole in the ground big enough to fit in... jumped in and drug others down there too. Then all the dirt falls back on top, slowly covering the light. And as the dirt starts to pack us in, it absorbs all oxygen and we start to suffocate. : /
This seems to be my greatest accomplishment. I'm so good it should be my job... Maybe this is my calling. But perhaps I should make sure they're dead before I stick them six feet under.

Its only a matter of time before the people in my life cant take it anymore. They are running out of air just as fast as I am... soon they will find the strength and dig themselves out and free themselves of me.

Loneliness is my greatest fear. In trying to avoid it, I end up causing it...

I'm having a hard time distinguishing God's voice from all the other opinions I have floating around in my head on what I should do with my life. There are all these whispers that manipulate my thinking, which leads me only to believe I have not yet heard his voice. Isn't that ironic? That the one voice you want to hear is the one you can't find. I can't possibly be looking for it... He doesn't hide. I know he is waiting for me
What am I doing? I'm not sure if I'm simply afraid of his response, as if it will be part of some horrible plan! Is that ever the case?! ... His plan for me can only be so much greater than anything I could ever dream up... So what is my deal? I'm holding on so tightly to my heart... and my hands are not the ones that should be in charge of such a delicate thing. I only tend to allow it to be broken. I don't know why its so hard for me to give up.
My heart is my greatest strength, and my greatest weakness....
The other day in church the pastor was talking about giving, but something he said completely related to my suffering... "Either you trust God, or you don't"
This is true with trust period. either you do, or you don't.... How in the world could I NOT trust God? what is wrong with me? I feel like I have to surrender daily.... many times a day.
I keep saying I gave him my life. "my life is not my own".... But I have not given him all of me.
I sometimes wonder. since I made such a bold claim, and often repeat it in times of pain... that maybe the seasons changing in my life are him ... I did give him my life. and maybe in order for his plan to work he has to burn bridges .
When my life seems to be going the way I want, I take over. Leaving him out of it.
So it would make sense to remove the people (distractions) in order for me to be able to find him and truly seek him.
I'm too dependent on people, and not dependent enough of my creator, the one who loves me most.
Last night during the discussion after movies in the chapel, we talked about how our God knows our inner most being. He knows our thoughts and hearts, and he still loves us. He knows all these things, because he cares that much about us! ha. people come and go... but he never leaves
So why do we leave him?

: /